Over the past year, I’ve had times when I was angry with people on the Right. A few examples are:
Have other Republicans frustrated me? Of course. My beloved Tea Party? You bet. My Christian Right brethren? Absolutely. And while my views often skew Libertarian, that group is hardly innocent.
Ah, anger. It consumes us all. In such moments, it’s tempting to shout, “Whoever disagrees with me, get out!” I sometimes feel everything would go fine if our movement was purified—as in, totally agreeing with me. It’s true. In my anger, I grab my rhetorical gun and join the circular firing squad. For a small donation, I’m even allowed to call out, “Ready!” and “Aim!” It’s thrilling.
During these times, I think I’m arguing against “wrong” Conservatives—those ingrates who deviate from my brilliance. I say, “I’ll win on my own! I’ll show them all!” Thankfully, God neutralizes my arrogance with a handy device called, “Wife.” I recommend everyone get one, though the straight women out there will have to settle for the bargain basement equivalent, “Husband.”
(Ladies, virtually every model is on sale at your nearest Health Club. Some are even pinned beneath heavy bars, so you don’t have to pursue. Just wrap a tag on their toe—it’s a real time saver)
Where was I? Oh yes—my argument against all those “wrong” Conservatives.
The sobering reality is that my greatest argument isn’t against other Conservatives; it’s against a calculator. You see, were I ever proclaimed to be God (no, not just by me, as I often do when Wife isn’t around), then I might use my power to remove those dreaded wrong people from Conservatism. Casting them out, I’d leave too few Conservatives to win elections. Oh sure, Conservatism would be “pure” by my standards, but unless the Democratic Party would agree to a similar cleansing (yeah, right), my remaining faction would never match their numbers. Never.
What does the calculator say? It says, “There are this many Democrats, and they are very united. So, any splintering of Conservatism—no matter how noble it feels—only ensures Democrat victories.
Don’t like it? Hey don’t tell me; tell the calculator. Here are its heartless facts:
We can whine about it. We can cry about it. Shaking our fists at the calculator, we can vow to “never again vote for the lesser evil”—but this only guarantees governance by the greater evil. Such protests carry the same impact as protesting against Daylight Savings Time. The calculator just doesn’t care.
So what’s the alternative? Usually, when debating the calculator, our circular firing squad members point at each other, yelling, “The calculator is forcing me to be like them!” It’s hilarious. Presented with simple math regarding the need for unity, we all claim to be facing exaggerated demands:
“Oh sure! You want us to water down our message and abandon our principles!”
“No! You want us all to become Christians!”
“No! You want us all to stop being Christians!”
“No! You want us to legalize all drugs and prostitutes while bringing back 60’s music!”
“No! You…you…you don’t love Ron Paul!!!”
So much rage—all aimed at a poor calculator.
It comes to this, folks: We must unify, but we can’t unify around total agreement. So what can unite us? A common vision. We must stop demonizing each other and discover what we have in common.
Want to know how? Simple: Just ask all Conservatives the question, “Why aren’t you a Democrat?”
The answers will be plentiful, but in the end, they’ll all revolve around not wanting to be controlled by a central government. We want to keep our money, our beliefs, our liberties, and even our right to whine endlessly within a circular firing squad. To all of us, the Democrats represent control.
And what is the opposite of government control? Individual liberty—or put more simply, choice. Yes, my big word. While Democrats love controlling the choices of Americans, Conservatives avoid this unless necessary. And while we disagree on when control is necessary, we all share the goal of choice.
Not happy with the truth? Then yell at the calculator. Talk to the hand. Cower before Wife. Scream all you want, but understand that we can no longer win separately. We either reach out to each other and listen, or condemn America to an oblivion borne of our own bitterness.
Sorry my friends, but that’s the honest math.